Great Are You, Lord.

I find it difficult to publicly confess to struggling during this process, as I always want to give a message of positivity. But this last week or so has sucked incredibly bad! People said the weeks after transplant would be difficult, but I really underestimated things. I really thought I was broken for good — I was sobbing to my parents about it.

But one of the things that has been sucky — not being able to sleep at night — has, ironically, helped me. Just being up at night, in pain, I’m given a lot of time to pray and think. Last night was when it finally really, really dawned on me that the air I’m breathing is coming from the lungs of another person. What a gift. 

One of my guilty pleasures is watching that show This Is Us. Last night’s episode was darn fine television. It was about life cycles, ripe with symbolism. About lives and life roles intersecting. About what makes a life meaningful: how it begins and ends. Just really heavy stuff.

How could I not think of the man who gifted me his lungs? How meaningful his end was? That it gave me a new beginning? How could I not wonder what life he led? These lungs breathed his first cries as he left his mother’s womb. These lungs gave him his first and last laughter, first and last gasps of surprise, first and last heaves of pain, first and last words. Now I carry them. What an honor.

These past several days have been some of the hardest of my life, and my joy was severely damaged. I don’t know if the original owner of these lungs was a believer. But this morning, I am using the lungs to sit by myself and sing worship music:

You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken

Great are You, Lord

It’s Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It’s Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
To You only

You give life, You are love
You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken

Great are You, Lord.

– All Sons and Daughters